There I stood perfectly still, every cell in my body frozen, difficulty in breathing accompanied with fast pacing heart beat, thoughts slowly fading away. I feel like an invisible hand is choking me. My legs started shaking and it was difficult to stand straight. I immediately collapse on to the ground, gasping for air. “Why does this happen to me!”, I cried out loud. Once I was on the ground, slowly tears started rolling out of my eyes. I had to focus hard of not letting myself shut down emotionally and let it all out.

So, I closed my eyes, thought about the last hug, last kiss, last laugh together, last fight together, last words and I could not help but cry. I was going through a lot of emotions- anger, guilt, sadness and even to some extent, relief. But, why do we meet people if their sole purpose is to shatter your self confidence and break your heart and eventually leave you high and dry. It has been close to 10 years since I started seeing this pattern of people walking out on me. Is it my depression and anxiety, excess love or due to the fact that I give them liberty to walk all over me?

Growing up with a highly narcissist parent with high levels of insecurity is not an easy task especially one you realize that that is not a normal way of life. “Don’t cry like a baby”, I was told when I was about 5 years old with a huge cut on my chin when I slipped and fell hard on the ground. Since then I was always so restricted with emoting my feelings that after 25 years I still have difficulty expressing my emotions especially when it comes to love. My default response is to emotionally shut down. I have become such an expert in shutting down that I cannot cry for more than a few seconds. It is sad but true that the trick I learned in order to keep crying at least for a few minutes is to physically make my face into a cry face. Literally following the “Fake it till you make it!” rule.

I started looking back in time to figure out how did I land up here. Why isn’t there at least one guy who would do anything to stand by my side and be mine forever. A guy who would do anything to just bring a tiny smile on my face. All I ever want is to be loved, which I lack and crave for. Am I that easy to give up? Or did I not find the right guy yet? Do I not deserve to be happy? What is happiness anyway?